nonviolent communication word choice for expectations expectation

Guri Bee

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01-10-2024

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Communicating Expectations: Saying What You Mean Without the Blame Game

Setting and communicating expectations is crucial for healthy relationships, whether personal or professional. However, the way we express our expectations can easily lead to conflict and hurt feelings. This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in, offering a powerful framework for expressing needs and requests without resorting to blame or judgment.

Understanding the NVC Approach to Expectations

NVC emphasizes separating observations from evaluations and focusing on our own feelings and needs. When it comes to expectations, this means shifting from statements like "You should have done this" to "I felt disappointed when..."

Example:

Instead of saying: "You should have called me before you left!" (which implies blame and judgment)

Try saying: "I felt worried when you left without letting me know. I need to feel reassured about your safety and well-being."

Here's how NVC helps navigate expectations:

• Observing without Judging: Focus on describing the specific action or event without adding your interpretation or judgment.
• Expressing Your Feelings: Use "I" statements to clearly communicate your emotional response to the situation.
• Identifying Your Needs: Connect your feelings to the unmet needs that caused them.
• Making a Clear Request: Formulate a request that expresses your desired outcome.

NVC Word Choices for Expectations

Common Phrases:

• "I'd appreciate it if..." - A polite way to express your need for something specific.
• "I would feel more comfortable if..." - Focuses on your feelings and creates a sense of mutual understanding.
• "It's important for me to..." - Emphasizes the value of your need without putting pressure on the other person.
• "I'm hoping for..." - Communicates your desire for a particular outcome.

Avoiding These:

• "You should..." - This implies obligation and can trigger defensiveness.
• "You always..." - Generalizations can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
• "You never..." - Exaggerated statements create a negative and unproductive tone.

Real-World Examples

Scenario 1: Relationship Expectations

Traditional: "You never spend enough time with me!"

NVC: "I feel lonely when we don't spend quality time together. I need to feel connected and loved. Would you be willing to plan a date night this weekend?"

Scenario 2: Work Expectations

Traditional: "You should have finished this report by now."

NVC: "I noticed the report is not finished. I'm feeling stressed because we need it for the meeting tomorrow. I need to feel like we are working as a team. Could you please prioritize completing the report so we can be ready for the meeting?"

Benefits of NVC in Communicating Expectations

Using NVC in your communication about expectations can significantly improve:

• Relationship Quality: Open and honest dialogue leads to greater understanding and empathy.
• Conflict Resolution: NVC reduces defensiveness and blame, creating a more productive space for finding solutions.
• Personal Growth: Practicing NVC increases self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Remember: NVC is a continuous journey, not a quick fix. Be patient with yourself and others as you learn to communicate more effectively.

Sources:

• "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg - This book is considered the seminal work on NVC.
• CNVC.org - The Center for Nonviolent Communication website offers resources, workshops, and training on NVC.

Note: This article incorporates information and insights from various sources including the book "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg and the CNVC.org website, and applies them to the topic of communicating expectations.